Rants, reality and learning to embrace the little things.

Friday, September 9, 2011

If You Give a Nolan a Soda

If you give a Nolan a soda, he’s going to want some more.
Once he drinks some more, he’s going to get chatty.
When he gets chatty, he will talk really fast.
When he talks really fast, he can talk about a lot.
He will start by talking about school which will make him think about lunch.
He will want to see the lunch you packed and ask you lots of questions.
Asking all those questions will make him kind of thirsty.
He’s going to want some more soda.
He will drink some more soda while you tell him to put on his shoes.
He will walk to his room but probably get distracted by his brother and forget why he was there.
He will come back to the kitchen and ask you more questions.
Asking more questions will make him thirsty again.
He’s going to want some more soda.
He will drink some more soda while you tell him to put on his shoes...again.
As he leaves the kitchen, you might hand him his lunch to pack in his bag.
He will put his lunch in his bag but forget to put on his shoes.
His bag will probably be close to the TV.
He will want to watch Phineas and Ferb.
Watching Phineas and Ferb puts him in a trance-like state.
You will probably catch him watching TV and see he has on no shoes.
You will tell him to put on his shoes...again.
He will squeal really loud and run to his room,
but he will want to change his shirt instead.
He will want to explain to you why he should change his shirt.
He will find you in your room.
He will start talking really fast and raise his arms above his head so you can see his shirt is too short justifying the change.
You will probably stare at him and say “okay”.
He will run to his room...again...
You will see he still has on no shoes and yell after him to put them on...again.
He will emerge from his room in a new shirt and tightly laced shoes.
Finally seeing he is ready for school, you will tell him to get in the car.
As he walks to the car, you will yell at his middle brother for unlocking and insisting on exiting through the front door.
You will need to lock the front door again.
You will probably notice that Nolan’s youngest brother has done everything he is supposed to without being told and you will quietly thank God.
As Nolan and his little brother open the door to enter the garage, you might remember that the garage door needs to be raised and the little one is not tall enough to reach the button.
You will tell Nolan to press the button.
He will probably say okay but instead of pressing the button he will realize he is thirsty.
He’s going to want some more soda.
He will leave his little brother standing in the dark of the garage to go drink some soda.
You will have to tell him to raise the garage....again.
He will probably say “oh” because he is so engrossed in his soda that he can’t think of a good excuse as to why he did not do it the first time.
He will open the garage.
For good measure, you will probably tell him to get in the car...again.
At some point you will make your own way to the car to find that Nolan is not in it.
He has run to the end of the driveway instead.
His brothers have followed him.
You will need to yell “Boys get in the car!”
There will probably be several neighbors outside.
You might even realize that this is why the neighbors don’t talk to you...
The boys will finally get in the car but as you begin to drive, Nolan will get chatty...again.
He will want to talk about football.
He will probably ask you who won the game, who you wanted to win the game, why you didn’t watch the whole game, make a comment about school, do some math problems out loud that relate to the score of the game, state some statistic that would have needed to happen in order for the other team to have won the game, make a comment about the player who manages the time, explain to you how the players do that thus defining “kneeling”.
You will finally reach your destination and probably bolt out of the car before any of the kids can get out.
You will quickly explain to the boys father which child thinks they are sick, hug the little one who is crying because everyone came inside and shut the door before he could get in and oh by the way...
“Nolan had soda.”
You will shout “Goodbye!” and maybe even “Good luck!” and run quickly out the door to your car.
You will throw the car in reverse, peel out of the driveway and might even take part of your bumper out on the curb.
As you drive down the road you might take a sip of coffee and secretly wish it was vodka...

The End.