Furry Blob

Many of you reading this already know that I have a love/hate relationship with my cat. Some days I think he is the King of the world and feed him tuna from a tiny, silver fork. Other days I try to push him off the ledge of my deck...he always lands on his feet. Here lately I have been leaning more towards the “How far can I drop kick you?” emotion as it is as if my cat schemes up ways to annoy me. Let me explain...

The other day I treated myself to a tasty gyro and sweet potato fry dinner from a sweet little restaurant in Spring Hill called Paprikas. Their gyros are especially tasty because they add large amounts of feta cheese. My favorite! I excitedly brought home my special dinner, paired it with a tasty glass of wine and curled up on the couch to partake in a little prime time television. Specifically the game show “Wipeout” (a goofy, guilty pleasure). I am happily enjoying my dinner and watching people make utter fools of themselves when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a furry blob inching his way closer to me ninja style. I ignore the blob and the loud chainsaw noise coming from it and continue to eat. In a matter of minutes there are whiskers on my face and a sniffing nose annoyingly close to my mouth. I put the food I am eating down and the nose follows. There is now a furry face hovering over my food. I am annoyed, however, being the nice person I am, pick out a delicious piece of gyro meat and attempt to feed it to the blob. Apparently eating from my hand is unacceptable and I get a blank stare in return. I place the delicious, sacrificed morsel on the table. The blob sniffs and half heartedly paws at the food and returns yet another blank stare. I roll my eyes and flick the food onto the floor as it has become obvious the sofa table is also an unacceptable place to eat from. The blob leaps for the food, stabs it with a claw and flicks it into the air. The food flies, the blob chases, sniffs, contorts his body into odd angles to supposedly...better sniff...looks at me and walks away from my sacrificed deliciousness. My irritation rises. This process is repeated with a sweet potato fry. Not only has the blob successfully distracted me from my show, he has left me a mess to clean and wasted two tasty bites of food that could have gone into MY mouth.

Another issue Sir Furry Blob and I wrestle with are his chosen times of affection. I’ll break this down for you list style:

When I want Furry Blob affection and how:

1. When I am curled up on the couch alone I would enjoy a purring, warm creature in my lap.
2. When I am down on my hands and knees calling “Come here Furry Blob” in a baby voice I would love a playful rush towards me and a cuddle.
3. When I am falling asleep a purr and cuddle can be quite soothing.

When my Furry Blob chooses to be affectionate and how:

1.When I am on the couch working on my laptop he lays on the keyboard.
2. When I am eating (read the story above).
3. When I am on the toilet my lap is apparently very welcoming.
4. After I get out of the shower and my legs are wet he decides that is the appropriate time to “lovingly” rub on me. He sheds.
5. After I apply lotion to my legs. See #4.
6. As I am walking across the house carrying a full cup of coffee, laundry basket or anything heavy he “lovingly” darts in and out of my legs.
7. When I am headed out the door and dressed for work and he has just come in from the rain and apparently from under a muddy porch he “rubs me goodbye”.
8. After I am already asleep he lays and/or sharpens his claws on my closed eye lids. Fun.

Now doesn’t that all seem a little planned? I understand now why my dad would bring home a kitten that was stranded in the middle of the road and later wish it would eat a poisonous plant and “disappear”.

Despite my frustration/ irritation/ anger/ profuse cussing, the softy in me looks into my furry blob’s evil, scheming, yet somehow helpless eyes and says “Yes furry blob, you may stay. Why not jump onto my freshly cleaned counter tops and then go take a nap on my clean, crisp, white pillow case to show me how much you appreciate me....”

Sigh....