Rants, reality and learning to embrace the little things.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Rewarding Lonliness

The lyrics of the song make me cry but I blame you for the tears.
I wasted all my time telling you goodbye
I could have conversed better with this wine.
The lights shimmer brighter now that you’re gone.
Your shadow covered all the beauty around.
You lied and said the sun was just going down
But it was you all along
Standing in the doorway blocking the rays
Those good ol rays, so warming to the soul
You made me go cold
But now that you’re gone I cry while basking in the sunshine
As lonely as I am, I was lonelier with you around.
It’s harder than I thought it would be but I’m stronger now because it’s just me.
I loved you good for a while
But you just made me cry real good
Now, I can’t stand,
No, I really can’t stand
That I let you

The hardest thing I’ve had to learn and except is that, for the time being, I’m better off alone. That there is no man on this earth that can love me the way that God does. I tried for so long to substitute God’s love with human love. Earthly love is tangible. You can see it and touch it. Human love is a cuddle, a kiss, an audible “I love you”. It’s flowers and handholding and passion. It’s also fragile, and you can lose it in the blink of an eye.

True love is God given. However, more often than not, what we think to be “true love” is a convincing lie and a fleeting emotion. It sickens me to think I’ve fallen for that lie.

For the life of me I cannot figure out why I chose to ignore Psalm 146:3.
“Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal man who cannot save.”

Why, oh why did I have to get my heart broken so many times to learn such a valuable lesson?

I went about this lesson the hard way and have been left a little jaded and bitter towards the male race (my sweet boys excluded). I just wished I had learned early on that God could be my everything.

Both of my sisters figured it out. If you haven’t read my sister Heather’s blog, you should. Heatherlaynelamb.blogspot.com. She has her love story blogged and right smack dab in the center of that human love story is her love story with God. She depended on Him solely when boy after boy left her jaded. God rewarded her dependence on Him and brought her an amazing man, Mr. Hunter Lamb, who ALSO depended solely on God. Although there are times that they lean on each other, as every married couple should, they never lose sight of the One who got them where they are. God is their glue.

I didn’t have that glue. In fact, I’m still struggling to coat myself in that “glue”. I don’t know if God will ever bless me with what both of my sisters have but I do know that IF He does, I want to be ready.

Jim Caveizel spoke at my church a couple Sunday’s ago. You may know him as Jesus, in “The Passion of the Christ”. He has an amazing testimony but one thing he said really stuck out to me.

“A true knight does not wear shining armor. Their armor is dented and dull and blood stained and they rescue their fair maidens.”

He was talking about men being Godly men. Men who stand up and stand with their families. Men who keep their eye on the Lord and fight the world around them that is tempting to bring them down.

Ladies, we also need to learn what a fair maiden is. We need to be worthy of our knight’s fight! We need tend to the men that God has placed in our lives. We also have to fight the world around us.

I failed to do that.

God and God alone is the one who will drive us through the fight.

This time alone is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I have faith it is going to be one of the most rewarding. My eyes and my heart have already been opened to so many truths in such a short amount of time. I was constantly using some sort of relationship, romantic or even just a friendship, to distract me from the things I needed to focus on. I finally think God has me just where He wants me. I’m ready to listen. I’m ready to learn. I’m ready to be coated in glue.