The Oner

Have you ever known someone who surrounds themselves with things that only they dub appropriate? As if they have created their own bubble world filled with only the things they like and enjoy allowing nothing else in. I know a person or two like this and can often find it very frustrating to communicate with these people.

I call these people Oners (won-ers). They are Oners as they believe they are number one and have an insane ability to one-up you in anything. They will always have a better story, a better idea, be a better cook, a better friend, a better employee, and will basically just be better at everything and there is nothing that anyone can ever think about anyone ever thinking about doing that will top them.  It can be infuriating. I, however,  have developed some sure fire methods to help your recognize and deal with Oners whilst managing to simultaneously entertain yourself. Please read on.

Oners will often allow you talk or tell a story while politely feigning interest until their moment to one-up you is allotted. A simple way to identify a Oner is by the distant gaze in their eyes. This gaze means they are only half-listening and have already began to plan out the better thing they are going to tell you and are completely distracted by the awesomeness of it. Should you notice this gaze, you can simply stop talking. Once the Oner realizes the noise of your voice has ceased, they will begin their story, completely unaware of the fact that you did not finish your story or even finish your sentence for that matter. Should you be feeling creative, it is sometimes fun to “end” your story or conversation with an off the wall and unrelated instance. For example: “...and then the donkey sprouted a horn, told me he was really a unicorn and thanked me for the tea.” The Oner will not notice the farce verbal trail you have taken and will either nod their head in humored acknowledgement or use the word “Cool” before transitioning into their tale.

Please take note that the Oners tale will usually be completely unrelated to the subject matter you have presented. They are unaware of this fact as they truly were not listening in the first place. Should the Oner actually relate their one sided conversation to the subject, it will likely be long winded and will veer off in several directions before coming to an anti-climatic close. This time of solo chatter may be used wisely with practice. You may choose to perfect the distant gaze the Oner unconsciously develops. They will not notice as they are completely wrapped up in their own world. With the distant gaze you can do awesome things. Perhaps a voice over in your mind. Maybe the Oner now sounds like Yogi Bear as they weave their wondrous tale. You can also run down your grocery list, write a short novel, replay an episode of your favorite TV show and so much more. With practice, you can even sleep.

The key to the distant gaze is being aware of when the Oner stops talking. You must pick up key phrases so you can excitedly respond with something similar to this, “WOW! The next time I need new tires, I will definitely check into that wireless store where I can sweet talk my way into an amazing deal on a cell phone! Thanks pal!” The Oner will feel accomplished and you will now have recalled every spice in your cabinet and figured out exactly how to better organize them. WINNING!

One of the best thing about Oners is how utterly clueless and easily confused they can be. For instance, say the Oner has professed their love for the show “Hoarders” and has let you know that everything else is dull in comparison and how insanely stupid you are for not watching this show. Use this to your advantage. Make a comment like “Wow, the footage of the devastation this string of storms has caused across the south is heartbreaking.” The Oner will stare at you blankly. Continue with “I wonder if they are going to cover the damage on Hoarders. What if one of the Hoarders house got hit? Do you think they would pick up all their hoarded stuff and then find others people lost stuff and hoard that too?” Since the Oner only hears words of interest to them (in this case “Hoarders”), they will find themselves totally lost. Knowing they are to respond in some way the likely comment made will be something along the lines of “Hoarders rocks!” To which you can return a blank stare.  Bonus points if this conversation happens in front of a group of people. You will then have successfully confused the Oner whilst making fun of them directly to their face in front of a group of others who have likely been victimized by the Oners narrow minded ways as well. High five yourself on a job well done!

A few other ways to entertain yourself via the Oner:

Create an email composed of fragmented sentences, random statements, and off the wall, highly irrelevant facts. Ask the Oner to respond with their thoughts.

Ask the Oner when their signifcant other, child’s, or parent’s birthday is. Watch as they panic thinking they have missed it.

Tell the Oner you have learned to fly. Listen to the story they tell to one-up you.

Ask the Oner who the President is and what democratic party he represents. Make sure others are present for this.

...and the list could go on....I hope, dear friends, these suggestions and tips help you to identify and properly handle the Oner in your life.

With love,
Brandi

I'll never make it onto the cover of a domestic magazine...

I wouldn’t exactly consider myself domestically handicapped, nor would I call myself the queen of domestication. I’d say I fall somewhere in between. For example; canned biscuits are my best friends. I drink while folding laundry and, more often than not, have a beer with my “home cooked meal” (canned corn and some sort of chicken I sprinkled garlic salt on or drenched in barbeque sauce). Should I bring cookies to the new neighbor, they would be from the grocery store bakery and lovingly arranged on a floral paper plate. All in all, I’d say I get an “A” for effort.

Honestly, I’m doing it in the best interest of my boys. I would hate for their expectations to be set too high when it comes time for them to find a little domestic goddess of their own. Yes…that reasoning works…

I know I have the ability to be the Bree Van de Kamp of Spring Hill, TN. I even tried my hand at it for a while. Unfortunately, one divorce and a couple of heartbreaks later it made me realize that, even with the best effort, if your heart is not in it, your “human” will prevail. In the end, I was left with God, a glass of wine and one heck of a kitchen mess to clean while my 3 little angels threw punches in the living room.

I feel honesty is the best policy, seeing as I failed to be honest to even myself a couple of years ago. With that said I’m HONESTLY struggling. I’m struggling to allow God to guide to my actions. I’m struggling to do ALL things for His glory. I’m struggling to let go and let God. I’m struggling to clean this dang mess up from breakfast….

Some days are better than others. There are days I glow with confidence and others that I feel downer than dirt. There are days that every living soul is my best friend and other days that I’d pay to punch the next person who glances in my direction. You want an emotional roller coaster? Jump on!

Does that make me a failure? Nope. That makes me human.

Perhaps I may be a tad more dramatic in my emotions than most…some may disagree with the “tad” part. Heck, I’ve had more than one person walk away from me for that very reason. I also learned that God weeds out those who cannot love you unconditionally. Unconditionally as in, “You drive me crazy, have you lost your ever loving mind? I still love you.” In all fairness, who of us really is easy to love? We all have our faults. Some people just hide them better than others. If you think you are without fault, you would be the person I’d pay to punch. Just sayin’.

I feel like I’m repeatedly taking a college course that is designed to fail. The one class I’m never going to pass but will continue to take until I do. Its called “Being True to Yourself 101”. It’s full of lessons on loving others as God loves them, loving yourself as God loves you, seeking God even when you’re mad at Him, learning to accept your faults, not blaming others for your faults and praying for those who have hurt you. The most important lesson, however, is the lesson on being who you are and being PROUD of who you are. I feel that my grades are little better on that lesson here lately. The other lessons? Let’s just say “FAIL” seems to frequent my vocabulary. Oddly, I don’t think I’m alone in this class….

All of that said, sometimes I wish I was Martha Stewart with all of her domestic glory and illegal stock exchange wisdom. Mostly, however, I’m just glad my children get fed. My Susie Homemaker image may be slightly tainted but it sure does elicit a good belly laugh when the reality of it is revealed. I can handle that.

This is the beginning of my blog-o-rants and reality. May you enjoy.