If You Give a Nolan a Soda

If you give a Nolan a soda, he’s going to want some more.
Once he drinks some more, he’s going to get chatty.
When he gets chatty, he will talk really fast.
When he talks really fast, he can talk about a lot.
He will start by talking about school which will make him think about lunch.
He will want to see the lunch you packed and ask you lots of questions.
Asking all those questions will make him kind of thirsty.
He’s going to want some more soda.
He will drink some more soda while you tell him to put on his shoes.
He will walk to his room but probably get distracted by his brother and forget why he was there.
He will come back to the kitchen and ask you more questions.
Asking more questions will make him thirsty again.
He’s going to want some more soda.
He will drink some more soda while you tell him to put on his shoes...again.
As he leaves the kitchen, you might hand him his lunch to pack in his bag.
He will put his lunch in his bag but forget to put on his shoes.
His bag will probably be close to the TV.
He will want to watch Phineas and Ferb.
Watching Phineas and Ferb puts him in a trance-like state.
You will probably catch him watching TV and see he has on no shoes.
You will tell him to put on his shoes...again.
He will squeal really loud and run to his room,
but he will want to change his shirt instead.
He will want to explain to you why he should change his shirt.
He will find you in your room.
He will start talking really fast and raise his arms above his head so you can see his shirt is too short justifying the change.
You will probably stare at him and say “okay”.
He will run to his room...again...
You will see he still has on no shoes and yell after him to put them on...again.
He will emerge from his room in a new shirt and tightly laced shoes.
Finally seeing he is ready for school, you will tell him to get in the car.
As he walks to the car, you will yell at his middle brother for unlocking and insisting on exiting through the front door.
You will need to lock the front door again.
You will probably notice that Nolan’s youngest brother has done everything he is supposed to without being told and you will quietly thank God.
As Nolan and his little brother open the door to enter the garage, you might remember that the garage door needs to be raised and the little one is not tall enough to reach the button.
You will tell Nolan to press the button.
He will probably say okay but instead of pressing the button he will realize he is thirsty.
He’s going to want some more soda.
He will leave his little brother standing in the dark of the garage to go drink some soda.
You will have to tell him to raise the garage....again.
He will probably say “oh” because he is so engrossed in his soda that he can’t think of a good excuse as to why he did not do it the first time.
He will open the garage.
For good measure, you will probably tell him to get in the car...again.
At some point you will make your own way to the car to find that Nolan is not in it.
He has run to the end of the driveway instead.
His brothers have followed him.
You will need to yell “Boys get in the car!”
There will probably be several neighbors outside.
You might even realize that this is why the neighbors don’t talk to you...
The boys will finally get in the car but as you begin to drive, Nolan will get chatty...again.
He will want to talk about football.
He will probably ask you who won the game, who you wanted to win the game, why you didn’t watch the whole game, make a comment about school, do some math problems out loud that relate to the score of the game, state some statistic that would have needed to happen in order for the other team to have won the game, make a comment about the player who manages the time, explain to you how the players do that thus defining “kneeling”.
You will finally reach your destination and probably bolt out of the car before any of the kids can get out.
You will quickly explain to the boys father which child thinks they are sick, hug the little one who is crying because everyone came inside and shut the door before he could get in and oh by the way...
“Nolan had soda.”
You will shout “Goodbye!” and maybe even “Good luck!” and run quickly out the door to your car.
You will throw the car in reverse, peel out of the driveway and might even take part of your bumper out on the curb.
As you drive down the road you might take a sip of coffee and secretly wish it was vodka...

The End.

Furry Blob

Many of you reading this already know that I have a love/hate relationship with my cat. Some days I think he is the King of the world and feed him tuna from a tiny, silver fork. Other days I try to push him off the ledge of my deck...he always lands on his feet. Here lately I have been leaning more towards the “How far can I drop kick you?” emotion as it is as if my cat schemes up ways to annoy me. Let me explain...

The other day I treated myself to a tasty gyro and sweet potato fry dinner from a sweet little restaurant in Spring Hill called Paprikas. Their gyros are especially tasty because they add large amounts of feta cheese. My favorite! I excitedly brought home my special dinner, paired it with a tasty glass of wine and curled up on the couch to partake in a little prime time television. Specifically the game show “Wipeout” (a goofy, guilty pleasure). I am happily enjoying my dinner and watching people make utter fools of themselves when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a furry blob inching his way closer to me ninja style. I ignore the blob and the loud chainsaw noise coming from it and continue to eat. In a matter of minutes there are whiskers on my face and a sniffing nose annoyingly close to my mouth. I put the food I am eating down and the nose follows. There is now a furry face hovering over my food. I am annoyed, however, being the nice person I am, pick out a delicious piece of gyro meat and attempt to feed it to the blob. Apparently eating from my hand is unacceptable and I get a blank stare in return. I place the delicious, sacrificed morsel on the table. The blob sniffs and half heartedly paws at the food and returns yet another blank stare. I roll my eyes and flick the food onto the floor as it has become obvious the sofa table is also an unacceptable place to eat from. The blob leaps for the food, stabs it with a claw and flicks it into the air. The food flies, the blob chases, sniffs, contorts his body into odd angles to supposedly...better sniff...looks at me and walks away from my sacrificed deliciousness. My irritation rises. This process is repeated with a sweet potato fry. Not only has the blob successfully distracted me from my show, he has left me a mess to clean and wasted two tasty bites of food that could have gone into MY mouth.

Another issue Sir Furry Blob and I wrestle with are his chosen times of affection. I’ll break this down for you list style:

When I want Furry Blob affection and how:

1. When I am curled up on the couch alone I would enjoy a purring, warm creature in my lap.
2. When I am down on my hands and knees calling “Come here Furry Blob” in a baby voice I would love a playful rush towards me and a cuddle.
3. When I am falling asleep a purr and cuddle can be quite soothing.

When my Furry Blob chooses to be affectionate and how:

1.When I am on the couch working on my laptop he lays on the keyboard.
2. When I am eating (read the story above).
3. When I am on the toilet my lap is apparently very welcoming.
4. After I get out of the shower and my legs are wet he decides that is the appropriate time to “lovingly” rub on me. He sheds.
5. After I apply lotion to my legs. See #4.
6. As I am walking across the house carrying a full cup of coffee, laundry basket or anything heavy he “lovingly” darts in and out of my legs.
7. When I am headed out the door and dressed for work and he has just come in from the rain and apparently from under a muddy porch he “rubs me goodbye”.
8. After I am already asleep he lays and/or sharpens his claws on my closed eye lids. Fun.

Now doesn’t that all seem a little planned? I understand now why my dad would bring home a kitten that was stranded in the middle of the road and later wish it would eat a poisonous plant and “disappear”.

Despite my frustration/ irritation/ anger/ profuse cussing, the softy in me looks into my furry blob’s evil, scheming, yet somehow helpless eyes and says “Yes furry blob, you may stay. Why not jump onto my freshly cleaned counter tops and then go take a nap on my clean, crisp, white pillow case to show me how much you appreciate me....”

Sigh....